Milk Seeks a Cure for BC Ills

by tr Email

Somehow I think just the rally cap would suffice...

Eff you guys

by tr Email

A team of Clarks would beat CLIF Bar 10-8 and it would never even seem that close.

Bill Swerski: Now, gentlemen, let me ask you this: What if Da Bears were all 14 inches tall, you know, about so high? Now, what's your score of today's game?

Carl Wollarski: Against Da Giants?

Bill Swerski: Yes, give 'em a handicap.

Carl Wollarski: Bears 18, Giants 10. And that would finally be a good game.

Pat Arnold: Yeah, it would be a good game. Mini Bears 24, Giants 14.

Todd O'Conner: What about Ditka? Would he be mini, too?

Bill Swerski: No, he would be full-grown.

Todd O'Conner: Oh, then, uh.. Mini Bears 31, Giants 7.

Carl Wollarski: Oh, hold on. Then I change mine, too. I thought it was Mini Ditka.

Bill Swerski: Okay, gentlemen, another scenario: Da Bears, they don't make it, the plane is delayed.. and the only one who shows up is Ditka. Ditka vs. Da Giants. Okay, score, gentlemen.

Pat Arnold: Alright, after da heart attack, I gotta say Ditka 17, Giants 14. He just barely gets by.

Bill Swerski: Alright, that sounds exciting. Perhaps, you know, a late Ditka field goal.

Todd O'Conner: Bears!

Superfans: Bears!!

[ Danny Sheridan enters round table discussion ]

Bill Swerski: Hey! As you fans know, sports celebrities like to frequent Ditka's. And oddsmaker Danny Sheridan has just sat down with us. Now, Danny.. what would the point spread be for a game like that? Ditka vs. Da Giants. Now, remember, it's only Ditka, not the regular Bears team.

Danny Sheridan: Okay. I'm gonna say the Giants by about.. [ thinking ] ..800.

Bill Swerski: Great, Danny. Now, are you from New York?

Carl Wollarski: He lives in New York, eh, Pat?

Bill Swerski: You like it there. You can stay there, as far as I'm concerned.

Danny Sheridan: No, it's just that.. it's one guy, you know-

Bill Swerski: Yeah, that's alright. Just take your crack pipe and go home! Get outta here, Danny!

Todd O'Conner: Yeah, go shoot somebody with a gun!

[ Danny Sheridan exits the room ]

Bill Swerski: Alright, now let's get back to our discussion. Bears vs. the Assembled Choir of Heavenly Angels.

Pat Arnold: The whole choir?

Bill Swerski: Well, Saraphone, Jerebone - the whole nine yards.

Pat Arnold: Angels.

Carl Wollarski: Angels, but it's close.

Todd O'Conner: Bears!

Bill Swerski: Alright. Ditka vs. God in a golf match. Now, he's a good golfer.

Pat Arnold: Ditka.

Todd O'Conner: Dit-ka!

Carl Wollarski: Ditka.

Bill Swerski: Well, I see they're setting up the 40-foot screen, so I guess it's game time. Now, you enjoy the game, folks. Now, remember, next week - Bears-Niners. Alright, now Bears vs Stephen Douglas in a debate, what do you think?

Superfans: Da Bears!! Da Bears!

[ fade ]

Beer Fest 2008 - Thanks McGurk!

by admin Email

Where in the World is Chris Esposito?

by tr Email

If you looked up "work hard, play hard" in the dictionary of life, you'd find a picture of Chris Esposito. Let's face it, when you're 'always delivering', it's tough to fit it all in. But lately it seems that there's been more work than play. Wednesday was Espo's first appearance at a Barbary Coast practice, and after we caught up Chris offered to let me come to work with him the next day. "You'll be pleasantly surprised," he said. I took him up on the offer, and here's what transpired.

The next morning he picked me up in his sleek new Mercedes. So far I was impressed. He bought some coffee and egg mitt sandwiches, and we set about the hour commute to Fremont, where Chris has been working since last fall. I was unpleasantly surprised with what happened next.

Espo pulled up to the intersection at Paseo Padre Pkwy and Stevenson Blvd and parked on the side of road. "We're here," he said. At that point he pulled his uniform out of the trunk and went to work.

Mouse over the blue point on this linked map to see where Espo works.

So there I sat on a park bench for eight hours, watching Espo accept most letters. He works as a "metered-only" mailbox, a promotion he received after two years accepting stamped and media mail. Metered mail is good because it is usually organized and pre-sorted. It's not all sunshiney days - every day he has to deal with stamped or under-postage letters. It's annoying, but worth it for the comradery. Mailboxes are a tight knit group, with one of the strongest unions in all of parcel post. They also know how to party. Check out Espo at the company Halloween party:

Madness!!

When evening arrived (I must admit I napped twice), Espo packed up his uniform and we went back to the car. It was an eventful day, and I was ready to end it. Somethings didn't compute, like where did he get the money for the sweet car? Best not to ask too many questions, I figured.

TR: "Want to grab some Nick's Crispy Tacos on the way home? Or Zachary's Pizza?"
Espo: "Dude, the day just got started."
TR: "What do you mean?"
Espo: "You think I bought this car working eight hour shifts in a park?"
TR: "I was meaning to ask you about that."
Espo: "Fasten your seatbelt and listen up..."

It was then and there, on I-580, that Espo told me a wild tale of fast cars and even faster women. A tale that ended with this bomb:

"Clarkie, I'm Tommy Gunn."
"The boxer from Rocky IV?!?"
"The porn star from Grand Thef Anal 9 and Swallow the Leader."

It blew me away, but later I confirmed it. I went online and there he was hanging with hot chicks

and playing cool characters.

Espo...er, I mean Mr. Gunn, even won the AVN award last year for best actor!!

Check him out on the cover of these classics:

Jane Blond DD7

To Die For

and the classic Burnt Fury.

Here's Espo acting his balls off in the trailer for Burnt Fury:

So next thing I knew, I was on a porn set with Tommy Espo Gunn.

Espo landed a role in a series of Nintendo porns, including Super Mario Bros: BJs in Mushroom Kingdom, Princess Peach Does the Mario Bros, Mario vs. Donkey Dong, and an uncredited appearance in the spin-off "Splathouse starring King Poopa Troopa". Here is Espo in the middle of a scene

where he encounters Wario, played by Ron Jeremy

Afterwards we crushed it at the wrap party - this guy never stops!

What started out as a lazy day in the park turned into the sickest night of my life! At 11am dogs were peeing on him, but at 11pm he was golden showering two smoking hot twins. How does he do it??

He finally dropped me off at 5am as the sun was rising over Mt. Diablo and I had to get to work. But I learned my lesson - never doubt the mailbox, because he always delivers!!

The NBA is Calling Me

by tr Email

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